The initial shock was a hurricane of emotions: fear, a constant nagging worry, unwanted thoughts. I fought to stay strong, not just for me, but for those I loved. But facing this with so much life ahead…no one should know how to handle that. I had tears in the middle of grocery stores, cried everywhere I went, triggered by anything, reminding me of the life I might lose. I was clinging to normalcy. I remember being triggered by a birthday card display – a future I feared wouldn’t be mine. My mom and I felt like the world was accelerating around us, leaving us behind. A customer asking “how are you?” felt uncomfortable when my real answer was too raw. I remember a couple years ago when my Dad came home from CVS and told a story about how a stranger got mad at the worker for a well-meaning question about how they were. I always pondered that since but it hit me more than ever then. Take it day by day and do what you need to do, even if that means snowboarding and breaking your buttbone.
Though, the weight of a cancer diagnosis settles heavy, not just on you, but on everyone who loves you. I remember feeling like a burden, even sitting in class right after receiving the news. Fear had me convinced I was bringing everyone down, but being surrounded by friends was a lifeline. It was a reminder that life, even with cancer’s unwelcome presence, could still hold joy and laughter. I’ll be honest, telling all of my loved ones was one of the most heartbreaking parts. Seeing their pain mirrored mine, and the weight of their worry became almost unbearable. The heartbreak wasn’t just for myself, but for everyone who loved me. There were tears, disbelief, and a suffocating silence. It was some of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had, but their love and support became the anchor I needed. My diagnosis felt like a grenade I had to toss into the crowd, I wanted everyone to know but it was a battle between vulnerability and the fear of burdening the ones I loved most.
The night of my diagnosis, my Mom and I sat in the kitchen, the weight of the news was heavy between us. My dad and sister’s oblivious smiles broke my heart. When we finally told them, watching their faces crumble, seeing their tears broke my heart. Though it wasn’t just about sadness, it was about love. We cried, we hugged, and somehow, even in the midst of fear, we managed to laugh too. It was a strange mix of emotions, but somehow, it felt right. Because even though I was the one with the diagnosis, they were the ones carrying it too, in their own way. And that’s the thing about family, isn’t it? They’re the ones who laugh with you, cry with you, and even go through cancer with you, no matter how messy it gets. It was a reminder that even in the darkest moments, I wasn’t alone. That night, I realized that my family wasn’t just my support system; they were everything I needed in the face of darkness. They showed me that love truly conquers all, and that together, we could face anything.
The FaceTime call with Olivia… I remember her eyes teared up and I couldn’t handle seeing my best friend like that. She promised, “I’m here, no matter what.” and her unwavering presence carried me through. Then Ava and Sophia, these crazy butts drove all the way back home to surprise me in a trunk with stuffed animals. A honky-tonk day it was! Reminding me I wasn’t alone. I remember brunch with Linda and that meant the world. Sure, I didn’t always have the availability for calls or meetups, but even a text to my close friends telling them what was up was the right thing to do. My friends taught me that even in the darkest moments, love and laughter can shine. They are my reminders that the world kept spinning, and I would too. So, cherish your friends.
But remember, just do your best. We all stumble when sharing big news like cancer, and that’s okay. Your friends don’t expect perfection; they just want you to be happy. I messed up sometimes. But they saw through it, reminding me that true friendship means showing up, flaws and all. Be honest and be vulnerable in your own way. It taught me that real connections thrive on authenticity, not perfection. So just remember no matter what happens, your friends are there for you, no matter what.
Looking back, I realize this journey wouldn’t have been possible without the amazing people who stayed around me. My family, friends, teachers, coworkers and advisors – they all showed up in big and small ways. Sometimes, it was just a shoulder to cry on, a shared laugh, or being there that made a world of difference. It reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this crazy fight. My family and I used to joke about how much land we were covering with prayers – like, two weeks in, we had the whole Midwest and West Coast on board! Seriously, the support was insane. Like, good grief, how lucky am I to have people like that in my corner? It’s overwhelming, in the best way possible, to know I’m not facing this alone. My heart aches with gratitude for each and every person who’s there for me. It’s this incredible network of love and support that keeps me going. But, thinking about someone facing this without that kind of love hurts. If you’re reading this and feeling the struggle, know there are resources out there. Like, a whole bunch. Don’t be afraid to reach out and let people help. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it sometimes. Remember, even the smallest islands have currents connecting them to the mainland. And though I was lucky enough to have support, there were days when I felt alone. Yeah, my life felt shattered but that’s normal. I just tried my best to handle all my emotions. That’s all I could do. I have terrible moments and I still dont know what to do. Don’t underestimate the power of vulnerability, even when it’s scary.
And if you’re reading this knowing someone going through something similar, don’t be afraid to reach out. Whether it’s a call, a text, a meme, or just showing up – you never know what might make a difference. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares can be the spark that helps someone keep fighting. Reach out and let yourself feel it all. We’re all in this together, even when it feels like we’re on different paths.
We are in this together, thanks for reading my story.
Kam
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